2010: The Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad Year

I keep seeing all these posts on other blogs reflecting about 2010 and how awesome it was, and I just can’t bring myself to do the same about the worst year of my life. I mean, the constant cosmic bitchslapping I was given has turned me into a twitchy emotional wreck. I’m so glad that it’s 2011 and I can turn the page on last year’s truly awful circumstances. I have never felt – and still feel – so alone and adrift as I feel now. It’s amazing how a combination of things – getting laid off, turning 30, friends getting married and engaged and pregnant just totally shattered me. I’m not one who openly talks about my feelings (because a lot of times I get the impression people don’t think my feelings are valid, to put it bluntly) but in general, I feel very fragile right now. The new year gives me hope, though – there is always that possibility of new beginnings and new experiences to be had. I just need to make my own path and stop letting these feelings of total inadequacy and being the constant goddamn third or fifth wheel in life get me down.

Last year wasn’t all bad though: here is a collage I made of some of the things I made or did last year that I don’t feel like sticking my head in an oven over.

Look at all that awesome stuff! I am a great knitter and a great jewelry designer. If you’re good at something, own it. I’m also awesome at baking ridiculous cakes.

So, in 2011 I want to try to feel happy, instead of the unsettled feeling of, well, despair, actually, that pretty much summed up last year.

I have some goals in mind so 2011 doesn’t suck monkey balls like last year so colorfully did.

1. Go to Disneyland with Abby. We talked about going in April, and I think that would be really fun and something to look forward to. Abby’s never been to California Disney, so I also look forward to subjecting her to the Tower of Terror, aka Best Ride Ever.
2. Buy a new car. I haven’t checked in awhile but I think I can still get a bank draft from my bank, and I can use some of last year’s severance and the trade-in on my current car to get the loan down to about $10k which would only be $200/month over five years. One of the things that contributed to my sheer stress last year was a variety of car trouble on top of an emotionally volatile situation. I refuse to deal with car trouble. I just totally refuse. My car had its last strike last week when it failed to start again. No more. Eliminating car problems from my life will eliminate a multitude of stress. And I can finally buy a car that I actually want. A non-GM car, natch. I am looking at the Honda Fit, or possibly even another truck! And one thing I REALLY want to do is get a car in a happy color, like orange or lime green.  I hope to complete this transaction later this spring. (By June or so.)
3. Continue to knit awesome stuff only for myself or people who really, truly care about it. This is a really short list, and I think I might just be totally selfish next year and knit only for me – or at least only things that bring me pleasure. That means shawls and socks, baby.
4. Try to knit & bead only from stash. This actually is harder than it seems, but I think I will have to since I decided to buy a new car and need to save $1000 between now and buying a car. I get a pass at Stitches West, Lambtown, and the two bead shows, however. I’m not sure how going to Michael’s and JoAnn’s will fit into this yet, give me a little time to get financially sorted out, hah. I might give myself an allowance or something; that worked pretty good when I was on unemployment.
5. Eliminate fast food from my diet. Not gonna lie, December was one hell of a clusterfuck when it came to fast food and alcohol.
6. Go to Winco more often. Like, at least every three weeks. I’ve saved a lot of money by going here to buy my groceries. I still need to shop around at Trader Joe’s and wherever, but I need to start making the effort to go to Winco more often.
7. Clean out my closet and bureau of clothes I haven’t worn in a long time. Also, start wearing clothes I’m inexplicably saving for “special occasions”. It’s not like I ever go anywhere, so wearing these clothes is not going to hurt anything. *rolls eyes at self*
8. Bake a cake every week. I’m going to have to, if I want to use all my cake mixes before they expire, hah.
9. Try to keep my house clean. I’m a messy person with clutter blindness. That’s the truth. I’m trying to work on it.
10. Expand my repertoire of dishes I can cook really well. I’m in kind of a food rut. Pasta, burritos, that’s about it. The other day I made a great dinner of meatballs and gravy, mashed potatoes, and Brussell sprouts. Relatively healthy and well-rounded. And so tasty! I need to learn to cook chicken and other meats, like a pork roast, and also stop being afraid of my crockpot.

So, those are some worthy, and do-able things. Some other things I’m mulling over include going gluten-free and learning to sew. We’ll see how it goes.